Thoughts of Mine

FROZEN HEART FOR SALE

That anonymous heart

Placed at the display window

Is up for sale again

People passing by

Glancing at the price

Wondering if anyone would pay that worth

Others would just marvel

And wonder why

It came to me

On one cold night

Wrapped in worn cloth of lies

Left at the stairs of my life

While the wind whisper its sadness

The heart is frozen to the core

So very fragile that it shattered into pieces

And once again, these cold caretaker hands of mine

Have been trying to pick up the pieces

And put it back together

But broken parts of the frozen heart

Don’t fit together anymore

Different than it previously was

Made much harder

So that it will not be broken again

Hence I placed it back by the window

With hope that someone would mend it

Making it whole again

Without missing any minuscule pieces

Impossible as it may seem

I let the frozen heart kept in display

Hoping that the sun would shine and melt the ice

And bring back its grace

Every time the heart is returned by past owners

The more missing pieces are added

It stays there, staring ever faithfully at the window

Until one day, I suppose

There is nothing left to be displayed

At the window for sale

I wonder what it feels

To have a heart that is frozen

Hollow and filled with sorrow

Like the anonymous heart

At the display window

In a glass box

Until one day

The shine has gone

And the damage is beyond repair

I will keep the heart away

Down in the cellar

Where no one shall ever see it

Ever again

_____________________________________________________________________

A rhetorical status.

Was deeply immersed in own thoughts. Have not I always like that? Melancholic expressionless face. Sigh. Perhaps another vague episode of life. But I just oon’t seem to care anymore. Be it whatever, life goes on. I one thing I hold to; “what goes around comes around”.

I want to see, but I’m blinded. Or am I letting myself being blinded by the lies that I refuse to believe and have shaken my stand all these while? Pause. Then start once again. Trials after trials, I’m still standing. Still aiming at the sky-high dreams.

I don’t see the word “us”as for two persons, but always more than that. It has occured to me that if it does not mean for many, then it will always be “me, myself and I”. I’m tired. Tired of thinking too much. I shall stop hear and wait for my inspiration. Standby mode. Maybe the frozen heart is not meant for sale at all.

-still waiting at the window-

Alhamdulillah..I’m home.. last week’s one of the most challenging times in my life. It started since Army Module. I heard rumors about me. At first I just brushed them aside. Until one day, some people came up to me and asked about the rumors. By the moment I learnt the truth, I knew all the way that I was right to be sceptikal towards him. I don’t go and slandering people around.

Last Wednesday, I broke down. I called up Mak in the afternoon, before sitting for exam n cried. The heartache was unbearable. I kept asking Mak whether I did something wrong to her and I hope she has forgiven me for that. My mom asked what happened and I told her that someone has some-what promised me but don’t keep to his words. Plus, I’m being defamed due to some silly reasons. Malicious accusations that I swear in the name of Allah I have never done or intended to do so.

I’m reliving my past. Similar situation, only this time, fitnah has done its part to aggrevate the condition. I keep on promising to myself not to be weakened by such people and I know, Allah is always with me. Some suggested, if they were me, they might put those people to shame. But I said to them, "We are learned people. So we shall do it the learned way. PTDs are supposed to be very professional, and I know, Allah will help me, in a way. I told them, "Memalukan atau membuka keaiban orang lain, nanti Allah akan buka keaiban kita di akhirat. Lebih memalukan. Leave it to Allah as He knows what best for us".

Nevertheless, I can’t either stop from being sad or brush away that "being-lied-to" feeling. The truth has been laid before my very eyes, but still the person denies, until today. Maybe that person would just avoid beeing seen in the public. Everyone’s talking about them. I suppose, people somewhat are trying to ignore them. For me, it’s better to actually tell them what they did wrong, instead of leaving them repeating the same mistakes (yes, mistakesssss). I wish that person could realise that he’s been condemning others’ attitude, he should muhasabah himself too. People came to me reaporting this and that, and I’ve had enough. I’m in no position to tell what’s right or wrong, and I think, my duty as a Muslim, to advice him, is over. I could only pray to Allah, that my brother realises one day before it’s too late.

I am being restrained by my friends and that person’s friends (one of them whom later told me "I don’t know whether I’m still his friend") from seeing him, or talking to him, or SMS, or keeping in touch with him in any way. Yes, in any way, which I assume, like he’s never existed. It seems the world is against him, and her too. I’m wondering whether is there any person who could live with so much hate?

Thursday, my beloved aunty, Wan Fatimah @ Teh, passed away due to lung complications. I was in the middle of INTAN Family Day, I cried when I was informed by Mak. Everyone around me was shocked. At that moment, I felt I could not bear with all these things happening around me anymore. Far too great, for I’m too weak. And yes, I admit, I was at my weakest point last week. I called up Lin, poured everything and leaving not a single thing. Nonetheless, I hold my head up high, and walk like nothing happened. I feel better and hope Allah will assist me in anything that I do and get His blessings.

Istikharah is still on, no matter what. Allah puts us to tests oftenly so that would remind us our journey on this earth is with purpose; vicegerent. Glory be to Allah and Praise be to Allah for showing me the right path.

"Allahumma, Yaa Muqallib Al-Quluub, Thabbit Qalby ‘ala Deenika wa Taa’atika, Thabbit Qalby ‘ala Al-Imaan, Thabbit Qalby ‘ala al-Islaam"

I’m sure I have sinned. But to whom? Anyone that feels I’ve done something bad to them, please do tell so I could beg for their forgiveness.

Allah, I have absolute faith in You. Give me strength, for I would only confide in You. Bless my path, show me the right way, and I seek refuge from You, My Lord, My Saviour, My Salvation.

Farah Nadia and I

Sentuhan Listrikmu

Bisakah aku bertanya padamu
Dari mana datang sayang ini
Dari redup matamu
Atau bisikan mesra

Ku rindu sentuhanmu
Ku damba sentuhanmu
Tiada lain yang ku inginkan
Hanyalah
Hanya sentuhanmu

I keep on listening to this song whenever I got the time to do so. It’s touching. Did remind me of someone, but unfortunately at the moment I just don’t feel that way. And yeah, I know it’s a bummer, but what to do, some things are just not meant to be. Maybe. I’m uncertain of that myself and let it go with the flow =). Mencari mangsa? Perhaps not. Just getting used to using that word to dodge a few questions on my singledom. I’m concentrating more on my DPA course and I’m taking it seriously. Once in a while I get to be on my own. Like right now. Over the pass few weeks I become attached to some friends. Alia, Nadia, etc. They’re fun to be with! =D And very attentive, very concern too. glad to have them as friends =D. Till then.

Praise be to Allah, Lord of the universe. Last night, I looked up at the sky, and I felt like crying. It’s been days, I’ve been crying almost everyday. True. I’m at my weakest point now that I just want to be left alone so that I could make the decision on life and death. It’s my future we’re talking about.

It’s just like yesterday I was still running around with a bunch of school friends, laughed happily at the jokes, still depending on my parents either financially or and now, I realised I’ve grown up. At the age of 25 (going to be), I’ve been shoved with question on marriage. How I am ever going to be prepared for something so big that I can’t even organise my life properly? Will I choose someone that shall bring me to the path of His blessings? I’m doomed.

The only right decision I could make right now is ask them to perform istikharah (a reminder for myself too). I think that’s the best answer I could provide them with. I’m too afraid that I might be blinded by my own feelings, guilt, and the worst of all, pity.

Well, it’s a competition between man and time, as always. Only time will tell and reveal the truth.

COME UNDONE

Mine, immaculate dream made breath and skin
I’ve been waiting for you
Signed, with a home tattoo,
Happy birthday to you was created for you

Lost, in a snow filled sky, we’ll make it alright
To come undone now

It’s almost a year now. Before a year passes by, there’s another you. Said the same words, did the same actions. Bitter sweet words chiming in the air, playing the tunes of truths and lies, filled up the empty heart with sorrowful smiles. Again and again I asked myself, why this keep happening to me?

Uncertainty-scented flowers of dreams and hopes are sent to my doorsteps, I let them being left untouched so that my treasure box is safe. Let it remain cold and frozen until God-knows-when. Maybe until hell freezes over. The purported actions leave me with thousands of enigmas, waiting to be plucked and answered by the right hand.

Down below this bottomless dark well, I still could not see the way up. Only muffled voices with vague intentions. Have I not warned them about the harm I’ve done? Could they hear the suicidal thoughts rhyming amongst sweet singing anthems? I am bound to be standing on my own, with shadows lingering beside me. I am happy to be me. Again, I’m wearing the mask. White, porcelain, empty-faced, neither smiling nor crying. Walking straight and leaving my traces of betrayal from the past.

I’m done.

Uhurm…Saw something. Read about it. The closeness has created a gap. The warmth is long gone. Where are those charming smiles and friendly hellos? Blasted thoughts, shattered pieces of unduly mixtures of hatred, uncertainties, contemplations, boredom, enigma.

Would I stand for long? Could I stay unaffected by these trials and tribulations of life? Could I opt for other choices in life? Suffocating emptiness marches its way throughout the day. Filled with daily responsibilities, I’m whole.

Last night, I self-claimed myself as "kopi susu". Yes, I’m dark-skinned, thick-lipped, slit-eyed and plus my big nose, makes me look like an African. So what? I’m used to that since I was small. True, I’m not that pretty to be compared to my friend, but do I care? I don’t have to be someone else to make sure people befriend with me, neither could I stop or avoid the comments or teases about me, or how I look. Like I give a-bloody-damn-concern about those matters.

As much as I don’t like to comment on people’s appearance, I don’t like people to comment on what God has given to me. It’s so unfair. You want perfect figure, fine, go find yourself a supermodel. You like your girlfriend to be plump, ok, but just don’t go and complaint about her looking "pregnant" whilst she’s trying to look at her best in front of you. So unfair. The least you could do is talk slowly to her that the dress definitely does not meant for her, which is of course in a polite way =D.

Enough babbling, I’m trying to feed my appetite. Haha..

-The Negrito Girl-

I was appalled by a statement made by this guy I know. It’s a no-wonder that my friends are dead worried about me. Despite his warmth and good nature, he is the one who girls should avoid. Yes, I went out on a date with The Devil himself. As person, I see him on the brighter side (although it’s "hazy", but owh well..), he’s a nice person to talk to. Not that I’m being judgemental (well, most of us do, don’t we?), but I have this "experience" of handling The Devil in the past (I meant the other one).

There are certain "knowledge" that we could acquire by being friends with those who are categorised as "morons" or "perverts" or in shorter term, "the unwanted type of people" (no matter what category of "crime" they fall in to). Not to label him as "bad" though. He is used to "no-boundaries", must be reminded everytime without fail until God-knows-when.

I was accused by Syazwan of being "irrational" for going out on a only-God-knows-what-will-happen date. Guess what? None to my regret I went out that night. It made me feel better. Adding to my fear, Syazwan made a statement too, about the potential of being molested or even the worse scenario. I meant to keep it as a secret from my friends, but somehow I just couldn’t lie when being asked about my destination (the sound of the ERL passing by, surely raised queries on my whereabouts).

His name sends shivers to most of us girls, due to his unseemly "adulthood" and "cheekiness". Cherrie, advised me to stay away, but to me, doesn’t it seem fishy when out of sudden all of us make no contact with him and his dear erm.. should I say "fan"?. The last time I met him was at a tournament. It doesn’t seem too long until we met on recent Monday (for me or even for everyone of us).

I see him only as a friend, ok? (somewhat haha..perhaps an acquaintance?). My surpressed-anger made me went berserk (unseen, of course), resulting fiery notoriety and vengeance that I need to escape. Somehow, I felt better after going out, although I had to dodge his "attacks" victoriously (for those who know, yeah, it is what you think).

Risky? Yes. Suicidal? Ditto. I could still hear Syazwan singing Sean Kingston’s "Beautiful Girl" when he heard me en route to the suicidal date (yeah, the "You’re way too beautiful girl. That’s why it’ll never work. You’ll have me suicidal, suicidal. When you say it’s over"). It made me laughed and cried at the same time. I was in despair, but not anymore (fully recovered I suppose? =P). I could imagine Daud or my other besties babbling to me (Nadia, Lin, Pa, Kelly and the list goes on..).

To be continued…

It’s been a while. I arrived at KLIA at 9.40pm just now. The first time I get the chance to set my foot on the-ever-so-fampus Borneo. On the first day, I took the flight to Tawau, transit for 45 minutes in Kota Kinabalu. The moment we arrive, we’re brought by the State Education Department to King Park Hotel, Tawau.

Tawau town is close to Kuala Terengganu. More or less. The next morning, we went to Lahad Datu. About 2 hours’ journey from Tawau. Lovely place. A small town like Kuala Terengganu.

Then we went to Miri, Sarawak. Gone through with adventurous ride to Marudi. It took us about 6 hours to reach Long Bedian. It’s situated among the hills, and the only route to Long Bedian is through the route where the lumberjacks transport their timbers and logs. If I have some time, I’ll post the pictures of our "ride" to Long Bedian =P

Just got back from Pulau Pangkor. Suffered severe headache upon arrival, I had to ignore that and started doing my work. Got online for a few minutes (tapped into the covenient store’s line from the hall haha). I felt something missing in my life. But I just brushed my mind off that thing =D.

Can’t wait leaving for Borneo next week!!! Really looking forward. The consequence, using a lottttt of money. Yes, I mean a lottttt =P. Many didn’t know I was in Pangkor. Busy with everything (yep, every single thing), I seem unable to cope up with the fast pace. I have to do it slowly and gain the tempo. When I’m getting used to it, then I think it will all be alright =).

Ok, I’m surpressing my anger for certain reasons. But, that’s only a small matter *wink wink*. Wait until I explode then. Haahha…(best betul meletup tiba-tiba ni hehe..dah lama tak buat). Okidoki, gotta go =).

-anger management course is on-

I wonder if we’re apart, will you be missing me? Would you still call and say, "Hi, how was your day? I’m on my way home now" every single day? I’m wondering how it feels when there’s only memory of how we’ve spent so much time together, and I realise that somehow I feel my life is accustomed to you presence.

If you’re not to stay, then we both should learn how to manage our lives individually. We ought to meet someone new. I couldn’t afford another hopeful look from you neither could I stand the avoidance.

That’s the story. The past, the present and the future, who knew better? We are only to plan, for no one could be certain of how it should be, the outcome =).

-I’m having a busy day-